


five actually real things that have happened, yuri shits you not

by 777335



Series: yuri can't even with otabek sometimes [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Swearing, and jj, brief mentions of drinking/underage drinking, bros, bros af, if you are yuri tbh, my cute little sons, these cute little best friends, which you probably want tagged
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-21 07:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10680771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/777335/pseuds/777335
Summary: these are five actually real things that have happened, yuri shits you not.(and one thing that has happened that otabek couldn't have made up if he tried)a collection of one-shots.





	five actually real things that have happened, yuri shits you not

**Author's Note:**

> i'm loving expanding on this head canon i have and i preciate all of y'all who are coming along on the ride with me. you guys are the real mvps ♥♥♥ let me know which thing speaks to your heart in the comments! 
> 
> thing 3 uses chuck klosterman's "23 questions i ask everybody i meet in order to decide if i can really love them" (or at least abridged/edited versions of a couple). in ya spare time feel free to give them a read and use them to make friends and influence people, as i have. i love them and felt like otabek would be rocked by them and yuri would be so despondent bout it.

**(thing 1)**

Yuri is telling Otabek about a video he needs to watch, so he grabs Otabek's phone to leave a memo that says  _oh long johnson cat_  so Otabek can really  _experience_  it later and not on this crowded street where he can't hear the video and Yuri can't do it justice in imitation.  Only when he hits the app, it opens to the note Otabek was using last: 

"GROCERY LIST"

And underneath that:

  * do not need bananas
  * ???



Yuri stops walking and stares.  Otabek goes a few more steps before he realizes Yuri isn't with him, and turns back quizzically. 

"You said talking ca--" Otabek starts to prompt.

“Beka,” Yuri breathes, irrationally furious. 

Otabek walks back to Yuri and glances at the phone.  Yuri looks up at him, but Otabek adamantly won’t meet his gaze.

"Beka."  Yuri whispers.  “This is not how grocery lists work.” 

“I was out of the house and had some spare time and I knew I didn’t need bananas, but I thought it would remind me of what I did need if I wrote it down.”  Otabek explains.  He pauses.  "Clearly, it did not."

“Beks, Altin, bro.” Yuri is in, like, literal pain.  He pauses to collect himself but, as it turns out, he fucking can't work his mind around it. “This is the worst way to make a grocery list?”

Otabek huffs, as though there are  _worse_ ways and snatches his phone back.  “Let’s go.”

They're selling single bananas at the café, probably as healthy snack options to all the pasteries, Yuri thinks.   _Nice._   He grabs the largest and brownest one he can find and sneaks up behind Otabek, who is getting them coffee at the counter from a cashier who seems very into his undercut and serious eyes. _Perfect._

“Bekaaaaaa,” Yuri sing-songs in his best Victor impression, nestling his head on Otabek's shoulder and wrapping an arm around Otabek to hold the banana out in front of them, even with Otabek's hips, “does this remind you of anything?” 

Otabek flushes an alarming color and almost knocks over their coffee. 

 

**(thing 2)**

Beka?"  Yuri queries, because he can hear stuff moving around in the background, like Otabek is shifting through piles of clothes.

"Sorry."  Otabek responds, "it's just...I can't."  

"What’s up?"  Yuri asks, yawning and snuggling deeper into his pillow, knowing it's too early to go to bed but also, like, fuck, he's really comfortable.  "I should probably go soon anyway."  It's getting late on Otabek's end for sure.

"No.” There’s frustration in Otabek’s voice.  "I just can't find my phone, Yura, I swear I  _just_ had it."

 _Lord in heaven, Jesus Son of God, tell me how to deal with this, teach me how to be strong,_  Yuri prays, fervently.  Potya looks up at him and he rolls his eyes, lifts a hand up in exasperation.  The cat meows, as though in understanding.  

"Beka."  Yuri says, patiently.

"Just a second--"

"Beka."  He says again. 

There is a pause. 

"Ah," says Otabek. "Right."

"I am going to hang up, definitely without making fun of you, because I am a good friend."  Yuri responds.  "You only have like five seconds before I give you hell."

"Sleep well, snap me from practice tomorrow, I know you can land that jump sequence, Victor is not trying to sabotage you by suggesting it to Yakov, okay bye."  Otabek says in one breath.

"Okay, bye."  Yuri repeats, stifling a laugh.

"Bye, Yura."  Otabek says, softly.    

"Sleep well, Beka."  Yuri is seriously proud of himself for not adding ‘idiot’ to the end of that. 

 _How does the man stay alive?_ , Yuri wonders, as he checks to make sure his alarm is on and pitches his phone off the side of his bed into a convenient pile of clothes. Potya meows, and curls up closer to him.

"I fucking know, right?" He mutters, running his fingers through his cat’s soft fur.  "I fucking know.”

 

**(thing 3)**

**O:**   _i need to ask you something_

 **O:**   _important_

 **O:**   _you free rn?_

 **Y:**   _yeah, what’s up_

 **O:**   _facetime_

 

Yuri frowns and then hits the facetime button, sitting up straighter on the couch.  He doesn’t know what Otabek is on about-- n _eeds to ask him something?_

“Yura,"  Otabek says as he picks up, looking like he maybe hasn’t slept in a few days, “I have sent you an email, with the question, and I want you to read it and then answer.”

“Okay?”  Yuri says, opening the email apprehensively on his laptop.  It begins:

 

_For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level._

 

“Beka, what the fuck.”  Yuri asks conversationally.

“Yura.”  Otabek replies.  Yuri sighs and returns to the email. 

 

_They can't talk and they can't write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence and they are unable to express themselves._

_This being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?_

 

“ _Beka,_ ” Yuri pleads, “what the  _fuck_.”

“I found it online and it is  _haunting_  me.”  Otabek shifts in his bed and pulls the phone closer to his face.  

“You need sleep.”  Yuri replies. 

“Answer the que--” Otabek begins. 

“Go to bed!” Yuri yelps and hangs up. He stares at Potya.  Potya meows knowingly.  He sighs and picks up his phone again. 

 

 **Y:** _beka, idk how we would know what they are thinking_

 **Y:**   _since the question literally says they CANT EXPRESS THEMSELVES_

 **Y:**   _but_

 **Y:**   _insulting_

 

The reply is instantaneous, which is impressive because usually Otabek takes ages to respond, since he still dislikes texting.  He's gotten better at it, for Yuri, but he's still more likely to respond via a snap or just emojis or sometimes by  _calling_  Yuri to be like "sounds good" or once "yes" and then had nothing to follow it up with.

 

 **O:**   _that’s what I thought!!_

 **O:**   _you’re the best, yura, thank you_

 **O:**   _never leave me_

 

Yuri rolls his eyes.   _Jesus._

 

 **Y:**   _leave you???_

 **Y:**   _we’re not married_

 **Y:**   _or in the same country even_

 **Y:**   _so like what, how_

 **Y:**   _r u high rn_

 

 **O:**   _yura._

 

Yuri sighs deeply, and rubs Potya's ears.

**Y:**   _да, beka, да. you don’t do drugs_

 **Y:**   _i won’t leave you_

 **Y:**   _everything is fine_

 **Y:**   _got it got it_

 

Otabek sends him a string of thumbs ups and then,

**O:**   _can i ask one more question_

 **O:**   _real quick??_

 

Yuri's eyes are going to, like, roll out of his head.

**Y:**   _fine_

 

Otabek really does look  _wild_ , when Yuri looks at him again properly via the new facetime call.  Like Otabek can see through matter and hear time.

“When was the last time you slept?”  Yuri asks. 

“Recently.”  Otabek replies, “-ish.  I had a show at the club and practice and another show last night and my little sister’s birthday party today and then I had to workout but it’s all fine, I took a nap and had an energy drink.  Everything-- everything is fine.”  He clears his throat.  “Okay, so, scientists build a crystal ball-”

“Nothing sounded fine about that but sure.”  Yuri interrupts.  Otabek ignores him.

“-that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years.  You look and see yourself watching a Canadian football league playoff game, extremely happy, wearing a CFL jersey, surrounded by books about the CFL, with posters covering your walls.”  He pauses and looks at Yuri pointedly.

“Okay.”  Yuri doesn’t really know what to say about all that.  “That sounds terrible, but yeah, why the fuck not.”

“You are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history.”  Otabek adds.

"Well, yeah, of course I fucking am.”

“It becomes clear that you are obsessed with the CFL and the crystal is never wrong, this will come to pass.  You know this as your inevitable future.”  Otabek stares at Yuri.  Yuri feels like Otabek can see his soul. 

“Sure, great.”  Yuri acquiesces. They look at each other.  “It’s not a question yet, Beka.”

“The next day, JJ says he has an extra ticket to a CFL game and invites you, would you go wi--”

“Go the fuck to sleep!” Yuri shrieks.  Otabek stares at him with sad, dark eyes. 

Yuri relents grumpily, “Fine, you know what, I would steal both tickets and take you instead because that sounds like it might be fun, at least.” He figures an answer means Otabek will go to bed, which could pretty much  _save Otabek's life_ , at this point.  There is a really long pause.  Yuri uses his free hand to rub his eyes while he waits. 

“Oh my god, Yura,” Otabek says and Yuri thinks he’s probably going to get a lecture about how stealing is Bad™, until he looks up and see that Otabek looks breathless and happy, “That's so  _sweet.”_

_Ho-ly-fuck-ing-shit._

“Go to bed.”  Yuri whispers, aghast.  “Jesus Christ, Beka, go to bed or I  _am_  leaving you.” 

Otabek falls asleep in about two minutes.  Yuri only knows this because Otabek insists on staying on the call, occasionally muttering that Yuri can’t leave him they’re  _friends_ and  _friends don’t do that._ He nods off when Yuri starts expanding on why, exactly, cats would find Garfield insulting. 

Yuri watches Otabek sleep for a few seconds, until his brain short circuits and vaguely considers what a hypothetical day at a CFL game with JJ would be like.

He shudders and hangs up.  The shit he puts up with,  _the fucking shit he puts up with_ , for Otabek. 

 

 **(thing 4)**  

"Beks, toss me the chips."  Yuri shouts from the couch, sitting up and facing Otabek, waving his hands above his head.  It's not as much of a surprise as it should be when, instead of chips, Otabek's phone comes sailing through the air, flies between Yuri's outstretched hands, and crashes into the TV.

Otabek looks between the hand holding the bag of chips and his empty hand, and then raises his eyes to meet Yuri's.  He looks horrified.

Yuri slowly shakes his head in disbelief.  He lets his body go limp and slides down the couch, down off the cushions, hits the coffee table, and bounces onto the ground.

"Is it—do you think it’s broken?"  Otabek asks from somewhere above him, voice barely a whisper. 

"Why," Yuri mutters darkly, into the carpet, "are you the way that you are." 

 

 **(thing 5)**  

“Beka?”  Yuri murmurs into the phone, half-asleep because it is midnight and he has ballet at 6AM because Lilia is  _insane_.  He only picked up because it was Otabek and maybe something is wrong,since Otabek is in Almaty and it has to be, like, 3AM there.

“Yura.”  Otabek says, thickly, like he is concentrating very hard.

"What."  Yuri mumbles sleepily.

"Yura."  Otabek says, triumphantly, "It's you."

“Oh my  _god_.”  Yuri whines, understanding, and rolls over, puts his face in his pillow, and stifles a scream.

“Yura, I’m not drunk.”  Otabek reprimands.  “I’m not. I’m a good example for you, and for the youth of Kazakhstan, and so I.  I am not even dru—I don’t—You know what, Yura?  This isn’t about me, right now, s'about you and so don’t drink, Yura. S'bad for you.”

“I’ll make a note.”  Yuri mutters into his pillow. 

“I maybe drank a little.”  Otabek concedes, “because I had a show and someone bought me a drink or two—someone I  _know,_  don’t worry, not a stranger--”

“Was not even a little bit worried.”  Yuri lies, as interjection,

“--but that’s not important I just, I had to, I needed to  _tell you_  because I saw your Instagram from earlier of the braids that Mila did in your hair and it’s, your hair, it's very long now, like past your shoulders."

"Observant.”  Yuri says, yawning, as he rolls over and reaches out for Potya, who crawls up on his chest and curls into a comforting little ball.

“Yura,” says Otabek, very seriously, “I wanted you to know that if I was tiny, like very very tiny, like Thumbelina small, I would sleep in your hair.  It’s beautiful and soft and you always have such intricate braids and I wanted you to know that, because it’s important to me that you know that if I was small I would sleep in your hair.”

“I would appreciate,” Yuri deadpans, “if you never contact me again.”

“Yuraaaaaaa.”  Otabek whines, which is just unseemly.

(Yuri stays on the phone with him until he's sure Otabek is safe at home.)

 

**one thing that has happened that otabek couldn't have made up if he tried**

**or**

**okay imagine what it’s like to finally become friends with someone who you’ve been thinkin’ ‘bouts/casually obsessed with since you were like thirteen years old and took ballet with him and he doesn’t even remember you??? which is totally not painful it's whatever you're not like _upset_ because it’s fine, you’re fine, you’re fucking cool as shit, you’re so chill, you’re like the iceman, yeah, Otabek Altin the iceman, chill as fuck, that’s what people say about you, everything is F I N E**

 

Yuri furrows his brow.  “Sorry?” 

“Moral support?”  Otabek tries again, “I’ll be your moral support?”

Yuri looks at him blankly.

“Like when you show up for your friend’s thing to watch and cheer and be happy for them, but also to be there if it goes poorly so you can hug them and buy them fried foods or whatever?”

Yuri considers this.  “Sounds fake, but sure?”

Otabek is beginning to realize that ‘ _friendship_ ’ might be a concept Yuri is not totally familiar with.  

“Like so tomorrow during the skate I’ll …cheer for you?”  Otabek’s not sure why he feels so uncertain.

He was doing so well with the Great Friendship Grand Prix Final Plan.  Like maybe it wasn't the standard way to become friends, sure, but:

  * save Yuri’s life (✓)
  * get him on the bike which makes Otabek seem cool (✓)
  * take him to a private spot with a view (✓)
  * propose friendship (✓) 
  * and then, !!! most important !!!, do not have friendship rejected (✓)



Originally, the plan had been to ask Yuri to grab some food with him, but that had gone haywire because Otabek had forgotten how to words when Yuri looked at him in the hotel lobby, and had just left instead of saying anything but still.   _Still._

So sitting at this cafe, actually talking and hanging out, Otabek had told Yuri that they could be each other's moral support during the competition, if Yuri wanted, since clearly Victor and Japanese Yuri were, like, having a thing and Yuri had said that his Grandpa couldn’t make it.  Yuri obviously loves and respects Yakov and Lilia, though he wouldn’t admit it, and he has his rink mates, but all of those are different than, like, a  _friend's_  support,soOtabek had just thought.  He had thought.  He.   _Huh._

“Why.”  Yuri asks flatly.

“Are you not going to cheer for me?”  Otabek asks, without meaning to.

Yuri considers.  “I wouldn’t mind cheering for you.”  He says, seeming to surprise himself.  “In fact, I definitely will.  I like watching you skate and I want you to do well.  Not better than me, of course, but very very well.”

“Well, yeah, same.”  Otabek agrees, also trying not to get stuck on,  _I like watching you skate_  because  _oh my God, oh my GOD, play it cool, Altin, play it fucking cool._ His brain blanks out and he ends up wildly giving Yuri a 'thumbs up' in relief. 

“Moral support.”  Yuri tests out, staring hard, and then giving Otabek the thumbs up back. 

Otabek is about to say it’s not like thumbs up needs to become their  _thing_ , he hadn’t meant to do that, only Yuri smiles at him, like storm clouds breaking, mouthing the word  _friends_ to himself, although Otabek doesn’t think he realizes he’s doing it, and he seems so happy about Otabek and friendship--  _their friendship particularly_ —that fuck it.  Thumbs up are great.  Otabek loves thumbs up.    

He adds a thumb, double thumbs up, and nods.  “Davai.”  He says. 

Yuri beams at him, like actually fucking  _beams_  which Otabek had always thought was a dumb word to describe a smile until this very exact second.

 _Goddammit,_  he thinks, _stay cool,_  he tells himself, but it’s too late, because he’s definitely beaming back at Yuri.  

_Friends._

 


End file.
